How I Saved My Life.

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Today, I want to get personal with you.  I want to share EXACTLY WHY clarity is the name of my game, so you get it.  I don’t want to see people struggling the way I did, with no idea how to transform their life.

I was 22 & divorced, broke & aimless.  The life I thought I wanted had dissolved away, slowly at first, then (seemingly) overnight.  At 22, I couldn’t believe I’d fallen so far, I’d stood strong by my truth and put myself on the line multiple times, but the idea that my wants and needs would change as I grew was something I never took into account.  

I tried to help myself out of the hole I was in.  I talked kindly to myself & about myself whenever I could. I got a job at a little restaurant, and I rented an apartment across the street so I could live on my own for the first time ever.  I was meeting interesting people, I finally thought I found a good group of friends, my boss seemed to like me well enough (I remember him telling me: “We love you, Andrea. You’re going through so much right now and we have your back.”)  This, I thought, will be how I center myself in this swirling storm around me.  

It didn’t work, even though I thought it should have.  It didn’t matter that my best friend came to see me everyday, it didn’t matter that my family was worried, it didn’t matter that my boss had no idea what happened to the sparkly, vibrant waitress he hired & quickly promoted months before.  I was coming home after partying early in the morning, a few hours before my 8 hour day shift, so I could feed my cat and sleep, which I could barely afford to do. What little I had was slipping away, and only I had the tools to stop it.

I knew, deep down, that it was me and me alone who could pull myself out of this, but the loneliness I felt through this time was as though inside my ribs was a canyon, empty, but with sharp edges that reminded me of my pain when I would move.  It truly was one of the most difficult times in my life. I filled this canyon with smoke, junk food, sloth & empty promises from people who would forget me in a few hours, and couldn’t figure out why it was still so painful. Every moment of my life was filled with something that I craved, why wasn’t that enough?  It must have meant that I needed more, but meeting my immediate needs were difficult enough, so I didn’t even entertain the idea to get clear on what really made me happy. When you struggle everyday to make your life even come close to bearable, the idea that a little extra effort could change everything was something I didn’t even let myself think.

I was there about 6 months.  In that apartment, in that mental space, in that constant pain, before I reached my threshold.  I realized that the strangers, the drinking, the pain, that the making JUST enough money to pay my rent & party wasn’t my dream life and I was finally ready to admit to myself that I needed to figure something else out.  It wasn’t about improving my life at this point, it was about simply surviving, but my day-to-day life was so painful yet enthralling that it held all of my focus.

Clarity came to me first as an escape.  Sitting on my couch, stoned out of my mind, dreaming of what a less painful life would look like, was where I started.  I wasn’t even letting myself imagine a life of my dreams at this point, but simply dreaming of a life where I could afford my apartment & groceries with $200 extra at the end of the month was all I ventured into.  No fancy clothes, no owning a home, I started with something I felt safe in wishing for.

Then, a few weeks later, in a car ride with my Mom, I confided:  “I’m so unhappy. This has been the hardest year of my life.” This wasn’t a truth I’d ever said sober, at most it was a tearful whisper between bars around 1:30 on a Tuesday night with people that I knew weren’t listening.  But my Mom was listening. “I know my life could be something so beautiful, but I don’t have any idea how to do it. I want my life to be so beautiful, that people couldn’t resist sharing it with me. I want a real partner.”

So, for the first time in months, I wanted something real.  I said it out loud to my mom, who held space for me & squeezed my hand.  We drove home in silence… but not the bad kind. The kind where the air between you is drinking up the words you both needed said out loud.  She might have given me some wisdom on that ride, but not a lot. We both knew that the next move was on me, and the confidence I felt in wanting something out loud and being heard was what really brought me forward.

So, I went home, hopeful for the first time in months.  Not the fleeting kind, either, but the kind that seems to suck the sunlight in from outside & illuminate my dirty, dusty apartment.  I deserved to want something better than this, so that’s what I did.  I envisioned a house full of plants, a cat who meows because she’s playful (not hungry), a partner with a great beard & a dishwasher.  I envisioned a life that would survive whether I tried or not, surrounded by nature, with a group of close friends & lots of laughter. I didn’t worry about how I’d get it, I just revelled in the fact that no matter what decisions I’ve made in the past, this was available to me, no matter how hard I’d failed in the past.

So, this is why clarity is my jam, especially if you’re feeling stuck in a life you hate.  It was something I didn’t even know I needed, and when I realized I needed it, I didn’t think I deserved it.  It presented itself to me simply as the freedom of possibility (not a strict 5 year plan) but here I am, 2 years later and further ahead than any plan I would have dared to make.

Clarity didn’t come to me as a timeline with goals to check off.  It came to me as the clear entitlement to happiness, and while I had some things in mind that I thought could get me to that feeling, the means ultimately weren’t important.  I became clear on the bliss I deserved, and that was the key.

It’s been two years since my life shifted for the better, and I’m grateful for the clarity I stumbled upon every single day.  But, the thing is, I know that I could have easily not found that clarity that fell into my lap one day while I was high, and I could have struggled for much longer.  I could have stayed in the vulnerable position I was in, surrounded by people in the same boat, not knowing I could do more & be more. We’re all doing our best with the tools we have, except my tools were in a pillowcase in the back of the closet because I forgot I could use them.  

Now, I’m holding a challenge to help people gain clarity on their dreamiest life.  This clarity has truly been transformative in how I look at myself & my past, and it’s really empowered me to move forward and claim the things in my life I really didn’t feel that I deserved.  I’d love to hold your hand & get you started on the journey I’d learned so much from, so if you’re into it, I’d love it if you signed up for my FREE 5 day challenge starting on June 25th to help you change your life.  You can sign up right here, I’d really really love for you to join me.

So much love,